Tip 9: Be True to Yourself, Unapologetically
One key lesson that I’ve learned in my 25 year journey is that life is easier and more peaceful when we are true to ourselves, unapologetically.
Looking back at my life, my happiest times have been when I just allowed myself to be me. My saddest times and when I struggled with mild depression were when I was being most inauthentic, fighting my true nature: I was doing work that had me dreading waking up in the morning; I was pretending in a relationship; I was wanting someone else to change; or I was trying to excel at something, not because it brought me true joy, but instead to prove my worth to someone else.
Most of us are taught that in order to be accepted, we have to behave in certain ways. Essentially, we learn that it’s not ok to just be our authentic selves. Like most of us, as a small child I really wanted to fit in. Yet, as the only Black person in most situations, it became clear to me that no matter what I did, I would always be seen as different. Eventually, I gave up trying to fit in. At a pretty young age, I started to dance to my own drum, often unapologetically.
Without feeling much pressure to conform, I became comfortable challenging the status quo, breaking rules, and just doing my own thing. For example, in elementary school, I struggled to stay focused during the reading period. One day, without asking permission, I took my book, got up from my desk, and curled up to read in the cubby hole shaped space, by the hallway window. My teacher looked at me quizzically. I held his gaze and just sat there. Finally he shrugged and just let me be. That became my space to read comfortably and quietly, without being easily distracted. Soon other students started asking to read there as well.
When I entered the workforce, I continued to be unapologetically myself which was often unconventional. I changed jobs frequently, took extended time off (intentionally), and vacationed a lot. Yet, there were also times I doubted myself, wondering if I was good enough or if I should be doing things more conventionally.
Several years ago, I applied for a project as a corporate trainer for a 6 week “technology new hire” program at a large bank. It was a long shot, I had never led a training session longer than 3 hours. To my surprise, I got the job. About a week later, I was one of 14 trainers at a two week Train The Trainer (T3) preparatory session.
Most of the other trainers had at least 8 years of experience. I felt like an imposter. I was nervous and didn’t think I belonged. During the practice sessions, others told me that I was doing just fine, but I didn’t believe them and still felt inadequate. I desperately wanted to figure out a way to succeed. One of the trainers, Lisa, was back for her 3rd year. Although her teaching style didn’t resonate with me, I decided that if I trained like her, I could be successful. It felt really hard to train like she did. However, I was determined to be successful, so I decided it would be worth the effort.
During my last week of preparation, I had coffee with a very experienced speaker and trainer, Netania Walker. I had met her a few weeks earlier at a Toastmasters’ leadership workshop where I was drawn to her training style. She was very engaging and showed how much she cared about the people she was training. This was a contrast to Lisa’s more authoritative style.
Over coffee, I described what I had learned about the program at the T3. I asked her for tips to be most effective despite my limited experience. I was hoping that by picking her brain I could emulate her. What I really wanted was a road map. Instead, Netania gave me one of the best pieces of advice in my life. She simply told me “Be yourself”. I continued to ask her for more advice. All I got was “be yourself, you’ll be fine”.
At first I didn’t listen. In my preparation, I tried to practice teaching like Lisa. This felt awkward and difficult. It just wasn’t working and I was running out of time. I remembered Netania’s advice and decided to just be me. On the first day of training, I was very nervous. Yet, it all worked. I wasn’t perfect, yet I developed a great rapport with my class. I was very transparent and they were very forgiving when I messed up. As the weeks progressed, I became more confident and returned to being myself unapologetically. I had fun, the program was successful, and I was invited back the next year.
By just being myself, what had seemed really hard, ended up feeling light.
In recent years, I have become even more in touch with my true self. I now listen to my heart and my inner wisdom even when it doesn’t seem logical. Every time I do something that is considered risky or unreasonable, I am seriously tempted to bail out at some point.
6 weeks ago, I was feeling a bit isolated and pretty unhappy with the colder weather. A friend texted me about a beach condo with last minute availability. Logically it didn’t make a lot of sense to rent the condo, I had a lot of work that needed to be done, the timing was really bad, and it wasn’t exactly financially prudent. Yet, when I checked in my heart, I had a resounding sense that I was meant to go. I decided to take a leap of faith. Two weeks later I was in another country. The outcome has been fantastic. This has been one of the best trips of my life. I’m getting a lot done, I have very little stress, and I am enjoying being this close to nature. The experience has also opened a wealth of new possibilities. Looking back, following my heart was absolutely the best decision I could have made.
When was the last time you followed your heart instead of doing what was logical or what others thought you should?
Whenever I follow my heart and my intuition, my life flows in surprising ways. I often encounter logical, well-meaning naysayers and self-doubt. Yet, when I find the courage and vulnerability to push past this and do it anyway, that is where the magic happens. Life becomes easier and more joyful.